it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
