woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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