and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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