I think I died a long time ago.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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