I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
