I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
