I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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