He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
