I wish my penis had an off switch
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
