Umm I'm too high to move.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
