So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I party with great urgency now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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