PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
