I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
