Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize