my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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