I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
