How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
