She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
