You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
