The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
