Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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