Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
