Christians are straight up FREAKS
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
