her vagina looked like bernie madoff
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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