this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
