Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
