Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
