There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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