what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
