Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
