I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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