Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
