So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
