i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My breasts were aching with rage.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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