So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
