apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
