i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize