I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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