did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
