I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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