Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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