I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
