I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
