he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
