The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
