Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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