Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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