I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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