the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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