just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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