I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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