how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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