so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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