The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
