I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
