when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
