he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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