double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
