Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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