WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
