Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize