I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
True college students do jello shots in the library
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