you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She said her name was "party"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
